loss of interest

i am not giving up on this blog completely, but i certainly have lost my momentum and my somewhat chipper attitude I had at some points. i dont blame it on the cold wintry months ( although it does have some impact) but i see where i go wrong. the lower i feel the worse i eat. the worse i eat the yuckier i feel. the yuckier i feel the more i realize that i can navigate these feelings. so get back on track you say. stop gorging your face just cause its a "snow" weekend. go back the the green juice and wheatgrass and eating healthy and not combining, and THEN see how you feel. I already know my own answers. so this behavior must stop. i try not to read my previous entries, but one day i will go back to them, as i do with all my writing. one day i go back to the old journal loggin and to my surprise i see how much better things are and how far i have come. but right now i think i might be going thru a little something in my head. overall nothing is wrong. everything is great actually when i take a step back and look at my awesome life filled with good people, love, support, fun, ease, peace, happiness, appreciation, did i mention the most amazing kids!- I can go on. however i still have days or moments of blah. yes, i dont help it by going out partying, smoking pot and whatever else i partake in. and yes, i do try my best to be a great mom, but am such a kid at heart. i try to balance and juggle both worlds, without having to choose one. what i would like for myself is to make time to meditate. set my intentions for the day. make time for alone time. continue my exercising; i found thrill in running. would love to keep it up. actually these past few days have just been pure crap eating, no exercise, crap eating! no wonder i feel like ass. chinese pizza burritos cookies meat pasta chocolate cakes fried food! i managed to cram it all in since thrs and today is monday. therefore this STOPS AT ONCE! and i will stop beating myself up about it. here is the experiment: for the next few days stick to the program. and stick to it!!! eat light and simple, no combining, take my green juices, take my vitamins, be happy, feel happy, look happy, and just feel great again, like when the prozac actually did something! the question is WHY am i doing it? why am i self destructing after all my hard work? is there something that i must explore?

another day, yet inspired

Well I said I wouldnt quit, and I had a quick moment to log in. Today I am cleansing (isagenix) and am doing great so far. Went to sons chanukah party at school only took one bite of a latke, oh boy my favorite. and I finally got my thank you notes done for my daughters bday just need to get them out now!! bon voyage thank yous, lets see how long that takes!! c'mon, keep the spirit up, maybe will have them off by the morning!! feeling good today but once again got to bed late. got a few minutes outside in the sun today so that felt nice, but here we go, 3:30 and the suns a settin! making me like the spring and summer more and more these days even though the heat kills me. well, thats about all, lil one is up and today is the mommy day (help arrives tonight) so maybe can even make it to the gym for a run, and catch a glimpse of the cute guy that works there. how lame am I? k, see ya!

One Month Passing

I owe my readers and myself a big apology. It has been one full month since I last updated. I have thought about it, I have really thought about it. But just couldnt bring myself to do it. Not like any writers block or anything, just lost the momentum like I do many things. As I mentioned way back, i wont quit! I was a quitter. And for my own peace of mind and therapy I will continue to write. Some things however, will be left unsaid. I wish I had jotted down notes over this past month...when I felt good and when I felt bad. Cause I have had a few gripes and many praises. As they come back to me I will make a list but for now I will just focus on the following:

holidays sometimes make me a Scrooge- I do enjoy giving gifts but for some reason am not into the whole "holiday" thing. Also, I have been eating poorly and today was a total BAD eating day, (chanukah party) means lotsa latkes. But last night dinner part (and every dessert on the table) thats what a joint of chronic will do! And friday, gorged on chinker food ( good ol' comfort in chinese food) cause I was hung over from Thursday night. Had a old guy friend in town and we went out-not exactly a binger but home by 3:30 and not asleep til 4:30AM. Couldn't even take my kid to school in the morning ( thank goodness for dear friend nearby who offered to take) and lucky for me, hubby was more hung over than I so he took off that day. we weren't even out together. But I did reconnect with some high school friends that I miss hanging out with. And perfect timing no less since my shrink thinks I am going thru an "identity" thing. UGH, can you imagine, as if being a teenager wasn't enough now I gotta experience it as an adult. well its all starting to make sense. But also feeling a little disconnected from hubby (who by the way has had a bit of a stick up his ass) and no sickos, I dont mean literally! Just been a bit edgy and mean, which to me translates as DICKHEAD! Then in my eyes he becomes "annoying" and here I am not wanting to hang out in the same room as him while he watches football, go figure! but the best part was he came up to me a little while ago and I wasnt giving him the time of day and asked why the attitude? Kinda wanted to say "cause your a dickhead" but didnt bother. just sorta ignored him. figured I would stay in my negative addiction moment and hope to snap out of it NOW!! Meanwhile, back to the old friends, it was like we never missed a beat. 15 years have passed and there we were sitting at the bar fucking around with each other (verbally) like we did when we were teens. I miss the days BUT am happy to say I feel so much better mentally and physically and emotionally now. So much more grounded and settled, I wouldnt trade it in!! I want to keep feeling good, and alive! I want to allow my spirit to live and if it means staying out late partying it up with an old friend and doing bad things (not that bad) but ya know, til 3:30 am then fuck it I will!!! AT least I made it to the gym this afternoon for a run and some weights to unload my brain and some chanukah food- fried and sweets! went for a colonic the other day and felt so queasy afterwards - then went into the light sauna for 30 min after and really felt ill afterwards. whats the point of it all huh? tomorrow is a cleanse day and right not to the world I am committing to a good solid isagenix cleanse day! stick to the damn program woman. I seem to be a magnet for isagenix products cause I have managed to keep getting them in various ways with out actually reorodering- yet I just have NOT been sticking to it! had carvel hot fudge sundae tonight cause its sunday- well thats not really the reason but when i am bad I gotta be real bad, and it wasnt even that great. Fuck you tom carvel, and fuck you carvel owners for being right across the street from my house. Release this rage!! ok, time to vibe switch as good ol buddy says... so here we go.. think about how great my life is. I have amazing kids and a terrific hub. I only work if I want to and I always attract clients when I want to work. I have fabulous help, I dont even wake up early in the morning. I live a fun life. I have the mentality of a teenager (for the most part) and I still think its ok to run around at night and party - and I CAN. I have supportive friends and family and VERY helpful family. I have lots of friends and hopefully no enemies (anymore at least!!) I am a leader in my own way, so DONT even try to suck me in as a follower and you know who you are! deeeep breath! I am a yogi. I am spiritual. I am happy! hells, I even heard myself say out loud before going to bed the other night " I LOVE MY LIFE" and dam it anyone would!!!! thank you dear god for loving me and my family so much! good night and amen!! hallelujah. peace be with you - AAAAHHHHH, i feel good!!!