Alvin Simon Theodore

Ok, so I made the decision to get injections in my face. I got botox around my eyes and inbetween my brows and Perlane (similar to restylane) around my smile lines, aka nasal labials. But here is the problem I encountered. 1. I look like a fucking chipmunk when I laugh and its freaking me and my husband out! (big time!) 2. I have had an awfully bad looking black eye for the past week- and its scary. No matter how much concealer I put on it I can still see the blackness thru. People are asking me - what happened? what did you do to yourself? was it the kids or your husband your fighting with? Well folks, the answer is VANITY! Botox! Who knew it could be so disturbing? I have the black and blueness under my eye similar to the one I had in high school when I got my nose job- but at least there they broke my damn nose! This time they just broke my capillary. And to think, people go thru this all the time... but whats really freaking me out is the chipmunk face! Now for those of you that dont know me, I am attractive. Hells, many guys have told me I am HOT! But now when I laugh and smile I ain't looking so hot. I actually scared myself the other night! No make up on, black as night under eye, beady brown eyes looking back at me in the mirror, and I was laughing so hard at how scary I looked that my face was partially paralyzed from the botox and there it was- CHIPMUNK! My husband got scared and so did I, but couldn't stop laughing at how scary I am! Oh man, I hope this wears down a little! And now I don't really have crows feet, but I got some wrinkles under my eyes like bags when I smile. Now here is the problem- I laugh alot! ALOT! I smile, I laugh and I am silly! But now I must try to be serious- it will never happen! Ok, so as I sit here at my desk bouncing on my fitness ball I will leave you with the thought of the chipmunks - think high pitched helium voice...Alvin, Simon, Theeeeeadore!! Thats not me but thats what it looks like!

Ashamed!

I should be ashamed of myself for allowing so much time to lapse in between posts. Not like I am expecting you to hang onto my last words and check in on me to see what I am up to next...But I am not surprised with myself at all, just a little disappointed. I tend to start things and never finish...this has been a pattern thru out my life. Projects, ideas, paintings, photo albums, things I wanted to sell, etc. the list goes on, yet the projects were never completed. Well this blog shall continue!! I recently took some advice from friends. One friend told me to "channel my energy" and by that she was referring to my "devious" side which I am constantly trying to squish. So now, I am channeling, and writing instead of behaving self destructively. She also suggested I try NOT to squash that devious side of me... so I began to run! And I haven't run in a few days and I begin to feel like crap- so tomorrow I plan to RUN! I am going to run! Run off the crap I have been eating lately. Run until I feel good...and run until I stop thinking about food, or the bad foods I eat when I am BAD!! Coco pebbles should be banned from this earth. Another friend told me I curse a little to much in my writing... so I took her fucking advice and am trying to fucking tone it down a bit! Thanks, beatch, I love you! Another friend didn't exactly give me advice, but after seeing her in the looney bin it really got me thinking! And I'll be damned if I ever let my thinking take over me! So I plan to write even more, and keep a clear head. I hope she begins to function on a better level and get her head in check. I miss her:( I think after seeing her I refocused my mind and energy in other places, and slipped away from this blog... although I am still thinking "blog" - as if I am talking to reader when I think to myself. On a train ride I randomly started thinking about WHY? so many WHY thoughts began to flood my head, and this is what I found myself jotting down:

WHY DO I ask myself why so often?

WHY do I think of these random things?

Why do I get amused by watching a dog take a shit?

Why do I walk in the gutter when the city streets are crowded?

Why do I continue to look at something I find disturbing like an old mans ass when I walk behind him or the bulging varicose veins on a fat ladies calves?

Why do I subject myself to painful things like laser hair removal, facial filler injections, and so forth just to look good?

Why do I self mutilate and bite the skin on on my fingers and cuticles til I bleed and its raw?

Why do I binge eat, and not even bother to puke?

Why do I feel so bad when I binge eat but do it again and again?

Why do I drink til I am wasted?

Why do I curse at drivers on the road?

Why do I hate Tom Cruise so much?

Why do I think I know someone is gay by the way they look or walk?

Why do I find it so hard to motivate in the morning?

Why do I obsess over little things that are not important?

Why do I rarely cut my hair?

Why do I fart from eating sushi?

Why do I think toenails are stupid and have no purpose and believe everyone should have them removed!

Why do I love a challenge but get so easily frustrated?

Why do I still think its ok to charge things to my parents?

Why do I feel like a kid in a pseudo - adult life?

Why do I think racial thoughts?

Why do I hate the accent of a french girl?

Why do I pour salt on slugs to watch them dissolve?

Why do I love popping zits, especially someone else's?

Why do I live for my husband! (Thats a good thing though)

Why do I feel like I have so much more evolving to do but dont know where and how to begin.

Why do I still fight with my brother and snap at my family so easily?

Why do I sometimes run off and act like I have to responsibilities at home?

Why do I drink so much water?

Why do I take pictures of my shits that impress me?

Why do I think I have ADD when its probably just laziness?

Why do I diet and exercise and then spend months eating like crap!

Why do I think I am old, yet feel so young?

Why do I think its totally ok to bite the nails and toenails of my children!

Why do I like altering my mind, yet ask for clarity!

WHY is a crooked letter!

Entry 21- The Morning After!

Again, went to bed at 2:ooam after a night of partying with friends... and two nights back to back no less! Good times, but it cant be good for my body! Especially not for my face and the crows feet and nasal labia's - yea, did you know those lovely "smile" lines are more labia's ladies! Sexy huh? Anyways, more importantly, I gotta go visit a very close friend in the psych ward tomorrow. Not excited, yet sorta interested to see what goes on there. Yea, this is her 2nd time being admitted (voluntarily) but still, it's gotta suck. Her life is such a mess, and her support team has fallen apart. Her own mother called the cops on her to get her out of her house and into the psych ward. So she claims, she is living there cause she has no where else to live. Anyhoots, today is a minor hangover day- I had to switch to water half way in after 3 drinks cause I was the designated. We arrived safely. However today is a carb loading day. Donut, Waffles, frosted flakes, coco pebbles (or the cheap fake brand I picked up somewhere with some ghetto name like coco rocks or something) oatmeal, ramen soup - not even ramen, I got the 22cent ones at the market. A friggin meal for 22cents. Why arent we dropping crates of that shit over Africa and other starving areas. Even though its loaded in MSG and other shit, it tastes great and hits the spot. I might just shrivel up from salt overload...off on a tangent. Well, I will confess, I spilled the beans to 2 friends last night about this blog, so if you are reading and you know who you are, you better not tell anyone about this! But do please follow me anonymously:) Lastly I will leave you on this boring entry with the thought of a cleanse day for me tomorrow, oh the agony of another ISAGENIX cleanse day! But how awesome that I got a whole 9 day supply for free from a friend that never opened it! That's $130 savings before the shipping alone. And I hope I will have another good embarrassing old story for you- I just need to conjure something up in the old mind o mine! Peace, shout out to the sad friend in the looney bin!!! Love you!

Entry 20-The Gatorade Experiment

I was burning the midnight oil last night til 1:30 am reading up on DIY kitchen renovations on the cheap and here I am up earlier then I want to be. I refrained from getting on the scale this morning, although I am maintaining an 9 to 10 lb weight loss I Have not broken the 10lb mark (just once, yippee) However, I downed some skirt steak that I marinated for a day and broiled last night- AWESOME. Will include recipe. Took like five minutes and the crew loved it, even the baby! But I also ate chocolate cake that I found in the freezer and nuked. I dont even know WHEN it was from, maybe June? Also I went straight to coffee today and am rushing to get #1 to school and #2 to mommy & me class! I approached my hubby with an idea. The Gatorade Experiment. The idea is to get him off that shit completely. Its like some weird addiction guys develop. The second ingredient is High Fructose Corn Syrup. Its in everything these days. Hard to find stuff without it! Especially when you try to food shop on a budget. Anyhow, the plan: Finish up all the Gatorade and vitamin water stocked in the home, and then for one month do not purchase it, do not drink it, dont even look at it or think about it (think AA for boozers, but GA for him, and not "gamblers") I guaranteed him he will lose weight just from stopping that drink and not changing anything else in his lifestyle. Lets see how that goes. if any of you are willing to take the challenge with us lets do it. You can quit soda if thats your thing, or diet soda, that stuff is terrible for you! The artificial sweetener alone leaves your body craving more sweets! I will let you know when the Gatorade Experiment begins.

And for the awesome skirt steak:

marinate over night or for a few hours with a mixture of...orange juice, ketchup, garlic (dried is great too) saucy susan, worcestershire sauce, terriyaki sauce and BBQ sauce, splash of red wine if you have on hand. I think that was all, and a lil salt n peppa. It was raining so I broiled instead of grilled. Maybe 3-4 minutes each side (then take out if it looks good) loosely cover with tin foil and let rest! Enjoy. (tip: I had my broiler rack 3 below flame and last 2 min put right under flame to crisp it a little!)

Entry 19 Man Jungle, Edward Scissorhands please!

Why do I have such an issue with man jungle? Not sure what man jungle is, well use your imagination...or better yet allow me to help you. Its that over grown hairiness down there. Yes, its covers some major territory... the balls, around the balls, maybe it spreads to the base or even shaft, and you betcha, it's on the bikini line (if they have one) and even the thighs. Now I know all about this far to well. Hair! Yet I spend time on money and have been for years on waxing, electrolysis and now Laser hair removal. Let me tell you, that all hurts like a bitch!! Yes, my life would be easier, less painful, and cheaper if I just went wild and went for woman jungle. But as you earthy hippies know first hand that shit is nasty! Sorry to all you jungle women out there. Ok, the most I will do is not shave my legs for a while, for a few reasons:

1. I am lazy

2.Sometimes I just don't care

3. My hair is soft and smooth, not rough and stubbly

4. My shower runs out of hot water if I wait to long.

5. Can't think of the 5th reason, just thought 5 is better than 4

So this brings me back to man jungle. Why do they think its ok? Why are they lazy? How do they expect to get their balls liked if its covered with hair? I'll tell you what, I don't like hair in my mouth do you? So back when I actually had any hair down there (can't remember when that was) I guess end of high school and beginning of college) that must have been equally unpleasant for him. But now I just expect baldness! The gay guys know whats up! They know about the smooth clean waxed or shaven ball dick and ass region. So gay boys, spread the light to your fellow men friends ( and enemies) There should be a ban on pubic hair in this country! Look, I have seen my fair share of smooth and hairless, and I gotta tell you, its NICE! But I think those are the guys that fuck alot, and have multiple partners. That would make sense. Just like we get our hair styled (not the hair down there silly) and our nails done and we wear makeup. They go to the gym, pump it up, and get their chest and balls naired or waxed! So for all you fellas out there sportin the jungle: Time to invest some time and money and get that shit pruned. Prune the hedges fuckers! Maybe we have to call in Edward Scissorhands to get to work on some of you. If you are too scared, pick up a bottle of nair, and nair that shit, will ya!! Maybe you will even get a little more BJ's, did ya ever think of that!?

entry 18-Paolo the Pantie thief

First and foremost I would like to thank those of you who voted for my blog! Also, I show gratitude to my one and only follower, send her love. Now the rest of you Fuck off! Ha, just kidding. But truthfully, its almost 9pm and my eyes are burning. I actually overexerted my body again today but feel good. Ran this morning and vinyasa yoga this eve. Not bad, and I am down 10lbs! That's right fuckers, 10lbs melted off with Isagenix, hard work and being good! So for all the shit I talked about the program, I guess its working. And notice I say "shit"- cause speaking of, yes, sorry again with the shit talks...I went TWICE today! How awesome? and the day ain't over yet. ok, so for the story...

His name I remember clearly, it was Paolo - and you gotta say it with the accent Pahh oh lo or something like that. The way we met was sorta funny, yet typical for me, attracting weird people, weird situations and even weirder people! So I was laying sleeping in a big park on memorial day- not gona mention the park you will probably know it. So I am out cold, in a hangover sleep. I get WOKEN, yes woken out of my sleep by some fucker saying " 'scuse me, may I sit here?" So naturally with my attitude (you don't WAKE me ever, especially to ask to join me when I am hung over) "Uh, if you must, I guess," I replied obnoxiously. Paolo proceeds to sit. I was giving cold shoulder as he tried to speak to me, and I finally gave in. What else was there to do? I was alone on memorial day while all my friends were away partying it up. However I had the cousins wedding the night before (see the post about readyman). So here I am getting chatted up by Paahh oo lo from chile or brazil, dont remember and dont care! Yea, thats how I am. So we end up having lovely conversation, and then we take a walk uptown together to go grab a bite. Yea, I actually left the park with this stranger to go for an early dinner. Go figure. And we ended up having a lovely dinner, in which he paid of course. I can still remember the chocolate cake we had for dessert. Don't remember what else happened that night. But we did go out on another date to a very nice restaurant (ok fine, I will tell you, Asia de cuba) yumm! Lobster mashed potatoes and some beef medallions...I can tell you what I ate at every place I have ever been, sick huh? So we got drunk at dinner, what else is new? We go back to my place and were are fooling around on the couch! I found it quite STRANGE that every few minutes or so he was going into my bathroom and coming back with wet hair! Like he kept wetting it cause he forgot gel or something and didnt see any in my cabinet. Thats right, my shit dont need gel, its naturally perfect hair~ SO were making out on the couch getting a little nasty like almost about to screw but I think I put the breaks on that shit. I came to my senses and had to get this immigrant outta my place ASAP - had my share of uncircumcised dick, and immigrants, so didnt need to add another to my list, especially this beaner. So I push him out the door, probably should have punched him in the face just for the hell of it, but I was nice. And called it a night! I then begin to search the apartment for my panties...now where the hell could they have gone? I am looking in the couch, under the couch and all around. Hmm, so weird. Whatever... I take a hit, munch out and go to bed. Next day or so he calls! Uch, I should have changed my number. "Paolo" I say with a discerning voice. "Jes," he replies. "Did you take my panties?" "Jes, I did. I poot dem in my pocket," he sheepishly admits. "You stole my panties you sick fuck? What the hell is wrong with you?" "I jus wanted souvenir." FREAK!!! So forever your in my heart, Paolo the Pantie Thief- his face has been forgotten but the story lives on!

Followers Needed!

I am now at the point that I crave followers, and although my counter shows me I have gotten hits, I only have one follower! Come on people, hook a nigga up! Sorry if I offend you. I write to hear myself talk, cause I sometimes wanna blab about things, but would you believe I could have nothing to say at other times. I bet you'll be proud of me, I actually went thru some of my old shit at my parents house and found my thesaurus and dictionary from when I was younger. Now I have the opportunity to flip thru it and develop my vocab so you wont have to listen to me talk in 5th grade words and college slang. Seriously though, I even have a valley girl accent in my head at times. Except of course when I say "hook a nigga up, and follow my blog!" please:) I got a lil story for you but it requires another entry so you will have to wait. Oh, and is it bad to eat the wax edge of the cheese from the block of cheese? If you follow the "combining" theory of eating can you eat chocolate after cheese...join and follow, or at least comment will ya~

Lovin Life!

I just had to log in while the feeling was still so fresh! I drove home with both kids tonight & stopped for gas. While in the station and pumping I was popping my head into the car and making them both laugh. They were laughing SO hard, it made me laugh so hard. And all I was doing was popping my head in and calling my son "broccoli man" in a funny voice over and over and it never got old! We all lost our shit in the gas station! AT those moments I wouldn't trade my life for ANYTHING! We don't have everything, but sometimes I really feel like we do! And I am very happy! We don't have the biggest house, or the nicest cars, or the fanciest clothes, but we really have all that we want, and I don't need to get into details! Please don't think I am bragging or showing off. Like I said, we don't have those materialistic things (although we do live a pretty damn good lifestyle!) Just a really great life together with our awesome kids who are so damn sweet and SOOO good even when they are bad! And thats it!!!! Pure love and joy that I never felt in my earlier years! and no, I didn't OD on the Prozac tonight!

entry 15-WARNING!

Tired with a capital T! My energy was expelled today (on sunday no less). I began with the gym, yea, the gym! I was there by 9:20am a first for me:) Then on to healthfood store for you guessed it, a green juice. But today added dandelions - uh, not very pleasant tasting. Plus, I have been eating so many beets I think I might OD on my little purple friends. I better not get as hooked on them as I did egg rolls in 9th grade. Everyday I HAD to have an egg roll, hence the necessity for me to cleanse now, years later. Where was I, oh yea, came home, entertained kids, and then later entertained friends. Ended up cooking up a big dinner last minute and was just cleaning up for the past frickin hour and a half! Tiiiiiired! Ok, so here it it, the big WARNING! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try Dark Chocolate Dreams chocolate peanut butter by Peanut Butter & Co! This shit is intensely delicious, addictive and did I say fucking delicious? Even with no high fructose corn syrup. Oh, the downward spiral...Ok, enough about that. If you don't like peanut butter anything than it wont be an issue for you. Moving along: Yesterday- here it is then I am DONE:

green juice, Isagenix shake, egg, apple, peppers, butternut squash, spinach, coffee with half & half, veggie burger, salad, beets of course, popcorn, chocolate & cookie (both isagenix) and few TBSP peanut butter & choc peanut butter, also melon. Not sure what I left out!

entry 14 - Downward Spiral

OMG! Have you ever felt like you were just spiraling downwards and you can't stop yourself? That is me tonight. Not earlier today, but tonight. I am just HUNGRY! Maybe its my brain that's starving for something more or its in my head that I am hungry. I did a partial cleanse day today and it went pretty well. I did start off wrong- a hot mocha swirl (skim) latte from dunkin' oh how worth it! Then a fresh greens juice from the health food store. I was in such a hurry I even called it in from the car for pick up- yea that's my style, I don't like to wait and waste time. Later on a fast workout at the gym and then an apple. Water water water all day til I drown. Twice I drank the cleanse drink and I added extra aloe vera juice to it. Later in the day got hungry- had a large ass gumball from a 25cent machine. Then back to the juice bar for some greens. Not sounding so bad so far. But when night rolls around I get wild (& crazy). Dinner was a healthy raw option- except for the boiled beets. Baby spinach, romaine and endive salad, raw goat cheese and a drizzle of flax oil with the juice of half a lemon. This is when it gets bad: I made the mistake of tasting RAW corn on the cob, and I went nuts. I became a wild woman. I don't think I ever took a bite into a raw ear of corn, from a farm stand no less. The sugar was pouring onto my taste buds. It was like sucking the sugar juice out of a sugar can stick ( another favorite of mine). So I ate half an ear, no harm right? About an hour plus after dinner I made another mistake of going back to the kitchen for a lil snacky snack! I went straight back to the other half of raw corn, sucked it like I haven't eaten in days. Back to the block of goat cheese. Few small pieces of cantaloupe and some raw almonds. Back to the damn block of cheese. And then- I tried to resist it but I just could not! The homemade (from an awesome restaurant) sesame covered bread stick. I had brought it back for my daughter to use a a teether (she's in agony poor lil one). Its been in a ziplock on the counter for days. Tonight it was in the pantry. The crispy well done roasted sesame seeds were calling out to me. "Come, eat me! and eat me NOW bitch!" How could I turn my back on it! I whipped it out of that little zippie and took a bite into crisp, crunchy light as air to good tasting to be true breadstick. A fucking breadstick! Have you ever heard someone so wet over a breadstick? I must have issues. One bite was not enough. I devoured it at once! I did savor the taste on my tongue and lips, but mostly on my brain. I am ready to call in an order of only breadsticks and go get them tomorrow. Please inner spirit, keep me in check! Get me out of this downward spiral and allow me to feel at peace!

entry 13- MILFism

MILF- I am sure you've heard the term at one point in time. Mother I'd like to Fuck! I will spare you the MILF links I found, just nasty, nasty porn sites! Yet my aspiration to be considered a MILF lives on. I'm sure some of you ladies share the aspiration but are afraid to admit it! Set yourself free! Now call it shallow and cheesy if you will, but I do admire those hot-bod sexy moms that I see, and have seen since childhood. Especially after growing up in the town which I did (name shall be excluded to protect the obnoxious, snobby (and cheap but rich) people who live there). But more so there's an abundance of M.I.L.F's where I currently live. It would be a shame to let myself go and look all frumpy & dumpy. So instead I aspire... a girl can dream. I also will continue on to be a sexy grandma. Now on the other hand my therapist thinks this "aspiration" is unhealthy and that I should be in a place of acceptance. Working on it! But why not go for the tummy tuck and boob lift, a little botox here and there when needed? Never killed anyone. Well actually I take that back. Many women have died while undergoing elective surgery, Kanye Wests mother to name one of the many. Yet women like myself still plan to nip, tuck, tighten and suck, all for the beauty of it. I now enter the world of MILFism, where teenage boys (& there dads) fantasize about fucking there friends moms! And that's how I will grow old gracefully. Of course I will do a few headstands along the way to reverse the act of gravity...

entry 12-ReadyMan-a sexy, green, guy!

His name was Dave. No, maybe it was Mike? Hells, I can't remember so lets just call him Dave. I met him at my cousins wedding, and of course I was invited with OUT a date (cheapskates) -and at the Plaza no less. Anyhow, it was actually the night before at the "rehearsal" where we officially met. I was alone, didn't know any of their friends, and just went with the flow. One of the few rehearsal evenings that we actually PRACTICED walking...oh yea, I think I walked down the aisle with him. Dave was tall dark and handsome, not what I usually went for. He had thick hair (good hair is hard to come by on some guys) and he had beautiful blue eyes. He sounded kinda smooth when he spoke, and well, lets just say he was hot. So we finished up the rehearsing night (the whole group of us) at the Oak Bar in the back of the Plaza hotel. I drank my usual - vodka. No clue what he drank, don't even care! I don't quite remember how the rest of the night transpired except that we ended up back at my place. We seemed to like each other that night. I don't think I even asked him much about himself. I did know when I met him we'd be going home together. Sometimes a girl just knows that upon first sight. Men on the other hand might wish for that, or think that, and more often than not it doesn't end up that way. But when a girl knows shes taking you home (or going home with you) she usually does. That's just how it works. Unless of course the girl is a gross pig, which if the night is long enough and the drinks keep getting poured, even the gross pigs get laid! Where was I, oh yea... Dave. So we fucked. I don't really remember much else about that night. I believe he stayed over. Who remembers, it was so long ago. I do remember being slightly hung over the next day. OK, so the wedding went well...I looked all pretty and the sugar cubes had cute little flowers decorated on them. No expense spared at the Plaza. I do remember not talking with him the whole night of the wedding and getting pretty damn drunk. I danced the night away with my little brother who certainly had rhythm. But it was at the end of the night that Dave lifted me up and carried me out of the Plaza, literally. I am guessing we screwed that night too. Lovely end to a fun weekend. He went back to Boston. Ciao! Little to my surprise he called me sometime after to tell me he was coming back to visit. Yea, I was pretty psyched! Cute guy, studying to be a lawyer, blah blah blah.

He did come visit...and boy was this visit NOT what I expected. First he shows up with flowers- bonus points for him. Then he proceeds to verbally rehash where he spent his money from the airport to arriving to my place (like I give a shit). And throws in "oh yea, and the flowers" as part of his calculating where all his cash went. Ok, so the following day his couple friends came over and we went to lunch, dinner, cant remember. I find out he is a lawyer, get this, aspiring to be a model!! What a fucking joke! A model, just my fucking luck! Minus points for him! He even brought the head shots, UCH! Gag me with a spoon (finger down my throat). It gets worse. That night we are getting ready for bed and I go in to pee, and low and behold on my bathroom counter are those blue eyes! In a lens soaker! That's right, he took out what I thought were beautiful blue eyes, and to my surprise they were LENSES! Goddammit! Faked me out! Double MINUS points. Not that I have anything against brown eyes, hells, I have brown eyes! And they are beautiful. Just keep it real man- MODEL man! Then he has the nerve to open the door of MY bathroom- while I am in there peeing! Hello, I might have had sex with you but we are NOT in a relationship. This is my private time. Maybe I want to have gas while I pee. MINUS point-again. Uch! So I go into my room and hear him flossing every perfect model tooth in his perfect lawyer gone model mouth. I was ready to dump his bag into my hallway- better yet out the window of my 16th floor apartment. But I am nice, so I didn't. Here is the straw that broke the camels back. Morning rolls around (when I woke and looked at him I thought to myself "I hate you"), and then I got up to pee. When I got back into bed I find him nude, hard, and wearing a condom! A green condom no less...triple minus points buddy. I believe we had sex, mentally excruciating sex for me. Afterwards I whipped up some fresh squeezed juice on my new juicer and sent "readyman" on on his merry way back to Boston. Good riddens. I couldn't push him out the door hard enough. I now am at peace with this. A couple of months or years later I get a call from him. "Hey, guess what, I am in New York and on your block" he says. "Oh really? Cool" I respond and neglect to invite him up. Days following this I run into him at the gym. Holly shit, manorexic. Gross! He tells me its his third time there that day. Wow, fucking cool man. You gave up being a lawyer to move to NYC to be a model and you go to the gym 3 times in one day. That's the turn on for me baby! Dave, sorry if you ever read this. You seemed like a nice guy, but come on! Are you out of you freaking mind? If your not then I am! "Readyman" you will always have a place in my heart.

entry 11- blogaholics!

Ok, so i decided I am becoming a "blogaholic" and not by choice! Now I am constantly thinking as if I am writing to the world! Whether its nonsense or real deal stuff, the voices in my head are blogging! On another note I wanted to let you know the joy of beets. If I were a DJ, I'd be droppin beets. If I were in a rock band I'd be drummin up beets. But, I am just a suburban mom (aspiring writer, and looney toon) so I am just cooking up beets. But boy have they helped in my elimination process. Plus, its cool to have pink and purple pee. But anyway you like it (or don't; my husband just CAN NOT like the taste of them) beets are awesome. Roasted, peeled and boiled, juiced, eaten cold or hot, they are great!! So shout out to these lovely purple friends of mine! Hey, gimme a beet.... and the beet goes on, and the beet goes on!

entry 10- weight for me! Patience is a virtue...

Here I site broken hearted came to shit but only farted! I always liked that one. But today is a new beginning. I am actually awake, earlier then I choose to be but have to get little guy off to school. I decided for my motivation this morning I will sit on the toilet with my new cool laptop! Oh the joy of technology! SO here I sit, patiently playing around online looking for a new ipod to load up with meditations, and low and behold, it just comes out! Yes, back to the poops! I just cant seem to get away from writing about my shits. How lame? And sorry, just had to post yesterdays awesome one! But how relieving to have a flow of streaming consciousness AND a flow of life. So maybe my new thing is laptop craps. OK, I will admit, I cheated a little and had a coffee for the first time in a while. But, a little coffee never hurt anyone. I was able to ween myself off that drug before I began the Isagenix. Which, proud to say I have NOT taken a shake in a few days and I realized thats what was blocking me up! But, I am in the pyramid multi level marketing scam, so I better at least sign a few people up. Oh, just wanna make back half or all of my $500 investment. Yea, sucker maybe, but down 9lbs since I started a month and a half ago! Peace out, ttyl! Oh, any readers yet? Comment anonymous if you dont want to be connected with me, a vulgar shit talking bat hittin in the burbs soon to be soccer mom!

Entry 9- Overflowing with appreciation!!

Today started out well, I woke and grabbed the pen and notebook to do my first set of morning pages since 2001! Yes, can you believe it, since 2001. I was inspired by a link my friend sent me, which reminded me that I actually once did those morning pages. But even better, the laugh we shared when she read them out loud. Most people would keep their pages safe to their heart and for their eyes only, but in our case it was all good! Last night I stayed up til 1:00am reading my pages from 2000-2001 (I only wrote a few days here and there but a pretty damn good read). It was amazing to see how much my life has improved since then. I was really able to let go of a lot of anger and other "stuff" and I feel so much better. Not to mention I am with the man I LOVE and have 2 beautiful, amazing, hilarious little ones with him!! Who would have known back then, when I complained on a daily basis in my pages about him not "being how I WANT him to be" and so forth, that he would surpass my imagination of how amazing he can be! Therefore, I am overflowing with appreciation. Also, today is my alone day with my children, which is a very lovely "concept" and I adore them. However, when they are both crying at the same time and I finally get them to take a nap, I am SOOOO DAMN appreciative of my live in help who is off today! So today, a shout out for her, she rocks! I think I LOVE her! Thank you universe (& hubby) for providing me with such a great life! May I continue to feel in the flow. I would like to continue to write, and become a "contributing writer" somewhere, somehow, to something!!!

entry 8- Filled up and Fed up!

In my attempts to found salvation in an outlet, my blog has turned into nothing but a purge of my inability to purge. I have not yet contributed anything remotely inspiring, nothing historical of my once wacky now somewhat "normal" life. As I begin to explore other blogs out there I see people give inspiration, or humor, or do it yourself projects, but me, no just plain SHIT! So I now take pride to give credit where credit is due and say "I found happiness in my lack of crapiness" as a dear friend of mine (soulsista) suggested. I will fail to mention her name cause dare we get linked in blog land I would be embarrassed for her fans to come across my pages of ridiculousness. I also concluded I write better in the am then the late pm (acutally its been super early am that I have been entering) b/c I stay up too damn late. I also have decided to begin my morning pages again. I did find inspiration in them way back when my therapist had me doing them. The best part was when soulsista read them out loud to me using my tone (or what she thought would be my tone) after we smoked a lil pot together...oh man was that hysterical! Come to think of it I remember laughing so damn hard I ran to the bathroom and took the biggest shit! So there, she made me laugh so hard I shit! Oh dear friend, come live with me again and make me laugh so hard every day! Love ya!!

entry 7 - Stop the Madness!

I cant seem to understand why I have been so fixated on my constipation and my poops! I am hearing all sorts of abdominal sounds rumbling thru me but yet still nothing satisfying. And to make the situation even worse I have begun drinking clay. Who knew? You can actually drink clay to help cleanse your body. Apparently the clay draws the impurities and toxins out of your body and you guessed it- it all latches onto your feces. Your shit even looks like a damn sausage link, that is assuming it works for YOU! I on the other hand am waiting..waiting...waiting, oh the joys of constipation. I bet tomorrow I will have a whole new story for ya, but until then, Peace! May the force be with you. If you wanna see some really fucked up shit, brace yourself and scroll to the bottom after you click here: Clay cleanse shits

entry 6-My lame attempts

In todays busy hustle and bustle it seems like I have not acquired one reader yet and I am really disappointed. But I understand...I need to be found! At least I am being heard- by myself that is!! I am so tired I cant even keep my eyes open. Even the lame attempts at posting this site in chat rooms didn't work. I submitted my blog to search engines and still, feel more lame. If you are the one person that finds me, please let me know! drop me a line, a comment, SOMETHING please! BTW, I ate my ASS off tonight at dinner, and thats exactly what I needed. Some good ole comfort- in food! By now you must think I am some food obsessed crazy fat ass, well your RIGHT!! I could stick my finger in a nutella jar and never come up for air. I would even deep fry a buttered bagel! yum, how good would that be? Oh, I mentioned last time the great cheatbate. That was in regards to everyone's different version or opinion of what constitutes as cheating. Does texting with an ex fall into the "no zone?" Do you have to put yourself in another persons shoes to see just how bad it would feel...to be on the other end? Something one might want to think about. If a married woman fools around with another woman is that cheating?

entry 5- Holy SHIT!!

As i mentioned the other day I was going in for my first colonic and HOLY SHIT! I was pretty scared for the unknown but at the same time quite intriuged. As it turned out the experience was somewhat pleasant and very releasing!! I was alone in the room for most of the time. The lights were dim, there was option to watch tv, and the bed was comfortable. My legs we resting knees up, sorta like a sit up position for those of you who actually work out... and I was on my back. There was a skinny little tube inserted into my a-hole, and a constant flow of warm water. I was told to massage my belly and hold the water til I couldn't hold any more then let go... and SPLAT! how cool was that! This went on for 40 minutes and I relaxed into it and let the process of life flow thru me with ease. Of course I asked to see it afterwards, and together we examined my shit from the past few days, months and possibly years according to her. I would definitely go back and do it again. She even got me to try a shot of drinkable clay! who would have thought? I will leave you with the basics, as I wouldn't want to disturb you with the intricate details of my fecal matter...that will be for another day. I felt so much lighter, although I did go out drinking last night so that probably didn't help my cause...Stay tuned for "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" and "the Great Cheatbate" a few things I have been thinking about lately. And just to get your mind thinking to: what exactly are the rules and guidelines in relationships, what exactly constitutes for CHEATING? I would love to hear your thoughts. feel free to post and thanks for reading!