Wow- long time no Blog

I see its been way to long since I last wrote. Talk about loss for motivation, desire, etc. I couldnt even remember the blog address and email log in. Ok, so I've made it back! And back I am! now for a check in: today I weighed 121.8 and its a friday. Usually I avoid the monday weigh in cause the drinks and food and chinese over the weekend kills me! However, totally off topic I've been thinking. Thinking way to much probably. Some things I cant even put into writing. However, throughout my life I have had many male friends. I was often "one of the guys" and would hang out with them, and it was totally cool and comfortable. I guess what I failed to notice the whole time was that I was NOT one of the guys. I was one of the "guys" that the guys wanted to sleep with. So all along it was really just about attraction and sex, or hope/desire etc. Because as I get older (and prettier, and sexier and more confident) I realize that when I go out men and boys are checking me out, hitting on me, and boy have a come across since interesting attempts. That being said, I am married, and I make sure to tell them that. Really when I go out I am just looking to hang with my girlfriends, drink, laugh, catch up and listen to music. But the more I am out there I realize life is one big meat market. Last night especially- I went to a local place with a friend of mine. We just wanted to chill and have a drink and hang. But the place was such a guido meat market, I was afraid to look in any direction fearing that I might accidentally make eye contact with someone. And it didnt help that they were old guidos! Most of the women there could have been working girls for all I know! Its amazing to see how people work - and its also wonderful to come home to a safe place with love and security. Ladies and girls, never think your one of the guys, b/c you are not! one of those guys wants to fuck you, no matter what you say!

entry 39 - PULP Ejection

So I found 2 new things worthy of "blahging" about... Pronounced bloh-ging. First off my delcious and low fat and just plain healthy souffle - well not exacty- that I made. more like a kugel, or a bake, or cake! I used all the pulp ejection from 2 days of juicing with my new Breville juicer model JE95xl which by the way is great!!!- and threw in some beaten eggs, shredded cheddar, panko, seasoning, and smushed it into a square glass dish threw some parm sprinkles on it and added a dusting of corn flake crumb on it- and bam! Baked it, threw some hot sauces on it (goya brand of course) and it was actually really and surprisingly good! note for the future, fully cut bottoms off carrots and anything rooty. in order to avoid any grit that might be thought of as dirt in my teeth. Secondly have you ever heard of "gap"? Like "shes got great gap!" Well recdntly while out with the hubs I noticed lotta skinny skinny girls in tight jeans or leggings. But seriusly skinny legs. Pretty girls I might add. But I noticed how where the top of there thighs were they had a space in between which the light shined thru. ( I dont have that, I think my thighs are close to if not touching up there. I can get that appearance if I grab my inner thighs from behind and pul them back, but meantime I dont have it!) Anyhow, I learned that night that there is a term for that, and you betcha peeps- its called "gap"

http://www.everythingkitchens.com/breville_juice_fountain_juicer.html

sometimes you gotta say "fuck it"

so as it turns out, I had to cancel my trip to see krishna. Bummer. Maybe my kids will feel a little better and I can take off tomorrow. But for now I had to say "fuck it" and stay put for my kids sake. Had to ditch the selfish me and say "I'm here for ya baby" and by that I mean - how the hell can I consciously leave to drive over 3 hours away knowing that both my kids have fever, runny nose and horrible dry cough? So for now, I will suck it up and enjoy the beautiful weather. At least I will go for walks here and hit the gym and work on feeling good myself. I just ask that these little tykes kick this thing rapido so momma can get away for a little and unwind!
UPDATE:
so i go about my day, kids take tylenol, mortin, whatev, parents come over (unannounced) but they gave me the heads up in the am just failed to fucking call before walking in! anywho, kids are laughing, playing outside- coughing but dealin.   Then parents take him for a walk and she goes in for nap, got my live in so my bases are covered. So i go out for a walk with a friend, but a very LONG stay out of the house walk.  Afterall, I was in my head supossed to be away. And POW, the shit blows right up in my face.  We walk to a shopping center far from home (mind you after my mom texts me that son is coughing more "frequently" and gagged and puked (which i have seen before from the crazy cough he pukes phlem) but this time it was food. So now I am getting fuckin play by play texts from nuerotic mom.   She makes me fucking crazy. All drama. And YES, it was my business to be HOME with my sick kids! Which I was for a BIG part of the day. But fuck her for always laying on such guilt. No one told her to stay at my house for so long.  She is just a permanant buzz kill no matter how you look at it! She makes me so angry and often I want to punch her in the face, as does my husband. (and probably everyone that knows her) gosh I feel so bad writing this but its SOOOO TRUE! finally  my friends husband comes pick us up and lemme tell you, i was freaking scared of facing my mom and getting reemed like a fucking teenager (yea, i prob deserve it) but I will be damned if I get that shit in my own house!) thank goodness i saw them driving past me on my way home and avoided the confrontation!

bringing nothing to the table..

its late. my kids are asleep thank god. they both have coughs, BAD. I might have to cancel my trip to kripalu Mass to hear krishna das. I am suppossed to leave in the morning. hubs is away til sunday. I am tired. got nothing to say but PLEASE GOD LET THESE KIDS SLEEP THRU THE NIGHT! amen. ya wanna laugh, watch !yoga ogden

I munch, therefore I am!

Have you ever wanted to blog so badly only to find that your Internet was down? Ugh, well that was me last night. I had pure stream of consciousness flowing thru my mind and no where to put it down. Well of course I could have taken out my journal and scribbled away... but instead I spent 2o minutes or so picking at my toenails with the clippers and the big gigantic scary tool from sephora meant for hang nails- but I use it as my cuticle cutter! anyhow, instead of a beautiful entry, I ended up with mutilated toes, and so close to spring and open toe shoes, stop the madness at once!!! On another note, I have this saying lately -"I munch therefore I am" - but what does that mean? Well I have concluded this: I love to eat!! No matter what I do, I still love to eat... and worst of all I love to eat late night. And I munch munch munch! Last night, after a st. patties day celebration I had 2 slices of cinnamon swirl bread, some peanut butter off my pinkie and a bowl of puffins with almond milk. I wasn't even hungry!! So I decided to embrace my love for food and stop obsessing over my eating and just EAT!! (by the way, did you see the lady online who has a website where people watch her eat. She is 600 lbs and her goal is to reach 1,000lbs! They like to "watch her eat and move and see how her fat jiggles", so she says! Sexy, huh?) One more thing: my son is hugging my leg which is dangling off my bed right now and he is kissing my toes; the mutilated ones!! Last but not least, i crawled into my snugly bed last night only to discover pen marks all over my white pillow shams and sheets, and a bed filled with crumbs from animal crackers and cheerios... k, gota run my leg is being pulled off my body!

entry 33- macarooni looney

last time it was hamataschens now on to macaroons, and boy do I love macaroons! I was at my local market yesterday and saw they had a special counter set up for passover goods! I dove right in to the macaroons, trying all types. Chocolate covered, almond, choc chip, plain choc, coconut, you name it. I ate it. AND tonight i just carb loaded. Had a PB & J for dinner. Am pretty tired and gonna turn in. Went out last night partying a little and had the usual early friday- school drop off then class for my girlie. Made it to the gym but only did 4.75 miles, not making my goal of 5. However I did take a walk with a friend so maybe that added on to my mileage. OH yea and ended up going back one more time to salon this time to get low lights and toner and am looking much less blonde.

entry 32- nosh nosh a hamantash

Sometimes I dont have a title for my entry until after I write it. I usually go in with one intention and totally end up in another direction. But today is just a bunch of mumble jumble. My sudafed has worn off, so I am congested, yet still irritable. My phones been ringing but I been ignoring it. I tend to do that when I get moody or lazy, and I dont even look to see who it is calling. I went to bed late, woke at 3:30 with a coughing attack and was up at 7:15 for the day (mind you its a sunday!) The live in leaves, the husband was away, and I am solo with dos ninos (thats 2 kids for those of you who took anything but spanish in hi- school) and for me it certainly was HIGH school...I digress. Oh yea, had some QT with an old and good friend yesterday, (glad to see she is on her way to doing better) and today took the kids to a purim celebration at the synagogue near my parents. (for those of you non-jews, Midwest hicks and dare I say jew haters, Purim is a celebratory holiday and people dress up and eat triangle shaped cookies called hamantashen - they are really yummy.) Check out what these people did with hamantachens. Anyway, I sway in and out of moods sometimes. Usually when I am tired or not feeling so great I start to get a little low. I can do 1 of two things when this happens. I can stay there and dwell and look for more things to be annoyed about or let things annoy me, or I can try to talk myself into a better feeling place, which I think I will do now. I must start with how blessed I feel (I am ) to have such 2 amazing little kids who I absolutely live for. My life with them is so much better than my life ever was before. If I feel down, I can look to them and right away my spirits are lifted. Sometimes I can just sit and watch them chew food, and I find it amazing. There personalities are like real little people!!! They make me laugh so hard I cry!!! It blows my mind sometimes that these 2 are a product of me:) Oh did I mention I was at the hair salon today getting my roots touched up and these 3 chabads come in dressed up for Purim singing and acting all goofy and one busts out the Torah and starts reading a whole thing- I didnt want to be rude and leave in the middle but I did. Sorry, had to go. On yet another note I have been meeting new people in my new town and am enjoying branching out. I dont quite get why my husband is a little closed to meeting new peeps, but I always make friends and I like having people from different walks of life in my life. And yes, I have been going out - I am currently in a "going out" phase. And my hubs has the stomach bug again. Oh, let me tell you - I think I am getting a little weight obsessed and this must stop at once. I am proud to say I did hit the 121 mark on the scale the day I left for vacation. And being away for 2 weeks fucked me up some bit. I got a few workouts in here and there but I certainly ate shittier than I had been. And a follow up to the parent thing- I managed to get along with mother for the most part. She was on pretty good behavior with me. However, I tried to really avoid getting to deep, to close, or any of that shit, and tried to maintain boundaries. Plus, she was really helpful with the kids. I do feel bad for her cause a lady she used to be friends with told me how my mom alienated herself from people and that they think she is crazy. Well guess I am not the only one!! but I did feel sad for her when I heard that. And today I got a lil dose of that super negative annoying side I cant stand. I even went BACK to the salon to get my hair toned down when she told me how much she hated it and how i looked older and it was too white it looked grey. I guess honesty is best in that case. And then she proceeded to show me her new fake fendi bag she bought while i was a little more concerned about my overly blond cheesy hair that I had to now go back and get fixed...anyway it looks fine! AT least I got to see the funny jews doing purim stuff. As for the weight thing, I have been weighing myself everyday and sometimes twice a day ( i KNOW, SOOO bad!!) I never did that, hells I never owned a damn scale til Isagenix, but now I am due for a cleanse and a colonic. I think I am going to look into some physical and internal spring cleaning. I am bouncing around the 124/125 mark- but I will add I have been exercising regularly. My method has been 500, 50 , 5 which is 500 calories in 50 minutes and 5 miles between running and elliptical. Yesterday I did 8.5 miles total in anticipation of going out for chinese food which actually didnt happen. Tomorrow I plan to take sudafed for this stuffiness and clogged ears, plus maybe do a cleanse day and STICK to IT dam it! And stop beating myself up over these things, c'mon already. Be happy and appreciate all the wonderful things I have. I am blessed. great friends, great family, great life! All that I really want I have. there is room for a few superficial material items I want, but there is nothing at all that I need!!! I can even find things to wear in my wardrobe of "nothing to wear" and I still look good. One big flaw of mine currently is my nail biting. It has hit an all time hi of nastiness! I chew them down to the cuticle, I might even take a pic and post it they are so gross!! I think tonight I am gonna turn in early. I have some sleep to catch up on. need that beauty rest to get rid of my dark circles. Thank you universe for my good heath, my wonderful life, and my earning ability. I decided I want to go back to PT work ( and when I say PT I mean just to make some of my own mula) and have a purpose. Thanks for listening, and goodnight.

Nightwalker/nightbinger

so you already know all about my obsession with food-(its degree varies from time to time) but lately its been peanut butter. I finally finished the last jar in the house. this time it was from Trader Joe's - the Valencia peanuts with roasted flax seeds. So at least I got my fiber and ALA and Omegas right? But how much do you think I got in that last 1/2CUP or more that I ate tonight (which might I add I mixed in creamed honey from Trader Joe's.) I am starting to see a theme here. So either fuck you trader joe, you god damn trader! or thank heavens for Joe the best trader out there!! Hello, time for self control woman. Its one thing to dabble here and there, but another thing to partake on a daily basis. And I so proudly weighed in at 123.8 today. When I first began my Isagenix escapade I was 135 and 5'4 & 1/2 ( i never leave off that half cause you never know when you'll need it) and I managed to finally get down to 123.8 - but ideal would be 118 with a few pound variance of 3-4 lbs. Breaking the 120 will be phenomenal. Can I do it before sunday is my big concern. I am leaving sun morning for a 2 week vacation. I have already been preparing myself mentally for the angst of spending 2 full weeks with my parents (although I will now take this moment to express my gratitude for them and negate the previous statement). They are terrific parents and exceptional grandparents. So with the bad comes good, and vice versa. Mom is high strung anxious and completely fucking crazy at times. Her glass always seems to be half empty, or completely empty, yet she has a terrific life. Dad is a good guy. They are both good people. But as a unit they can be pretty fucking annoying with lack of social etiquette. Moving along... we will be in the tropics, and its my home away from home. One lovely island. I will take this opportunity to appreciate my wonderful life- my awesome husband and super cool and hilarious kids, and all my great loving family and friends. I am very happy and very lucky to have wonderful people in my life. On that note, let me tell you about my second adventurous night walk...takes place on a peninsula. we begin walking (about 7 of us) down a winding dark road which ends at a beach. we chill on the dock and smoke some weed. we take in the beauty of the night, the calm after the storm we had all day. We proceed to walk off the dock taking a moment to forgive someone upon leaving (its usually me I forgive for being so terrible to people at times, and yes, of course I forgive mom for being the way she is). We continue the walk up the beach and we climb the big rock where we all sit. Another toke spot. We watch the lights flicker across the way and are mesmerized by the glow in the sky and the reflection of the lights and the bright moon on the mirror water. The hike continues thru the golf course over hills thru carved out wide trails edged with trees. Moments like these make me stop and say AHHHH! Life is still fun if you make it fun, doesnt matter what age you are!! The night ends by midnight and i get home by 1am... and I bypass the kitchen! Yipee!
Today I made up for the peanut butter from yesterday by running 3 miles and 1 more on the elliptical. But game is ON tomorrow. I got an interview for a gig at ten, laser hair removal at 1 and shrink at 3. Some where in between I gotta get all packed and run my ass off at the gym, until this peanut butter and then some is gone. I leave you with that. I gotta go check on my hubs whos been puking from some bug! all be well

I have been switching between reading the books Detox for women & getting more ING out of life- 2 different books yet I feel a link between the 2. One talks about eating clean and getting the toxins out- eating organic and combining foods properly. No flesh and starch together, eat raw salads first, eat fruit alone, etc. and she is big on veggie juicing...I COULD really benefit from this way of eating. I actually LIKE eating this way and feel great when I do, except one thing: I am too infatuated with food. I SEE peanut butter and I need to eat it. So I weighed in this morning at 124.2 and I was psyched about that!! I served my friends and family bagel brunch and had my veggie juice and some tuna on slices on cucumbers and tomatoes. But I blew it at the birthday party I went to later on when I had pizza and cake. and the cake was so damn good and fudgy. Not regrets except a few!!! the fact that i have less than 2 weeks til i gotta wear a bikini for family vaca!! and I have been exercising like a gym rat. so I have been scaling back literally, physically, and with my food. I also turned down a night out and opted to stay in to read and relax, though i never got around to reading. Point is I was feeling in a "good place" and didnt have the urge or "need" that I sometimes have to go out or party.

Happy new year, a little late!!

like everything that I have let dwindle or ignored in my life this blog has unfortunately become part of that group. So, as I check in to wish you a happy new year (on jan 10th)- a little late but not too late, I am picking up where I left off but feeling a lot more inspired. I actually had a strange experience the other night at a krishna das concert: I cried! Go figure! so I guess I had some emotional release of some sort and I am going to look into this further. Anyhow it got me inspired and as I begin to pursue a path I ask "what IS my path, universe!!" When I figure this out I will let you know. But for now I will tell you this: I am stuck at a weight and I MUST release it. I have a 3 week count down til I am in a bathing suit! Even though last year this time I was heavier I want to feel real slim and sexy as I prance down the beach- ha, I just had am image of "prancing" and it was a horse trotting, no, galloping down the beach. ok, lemme make it a little better, me in a bikini side step skipping down the beach. thats my vision of prancing! and a happy new year to you!

loss of interest

i am not giving up on this blog completely, but i certainly have lost my momentum and my somewhat chipper attitude I had at some points. i dont blame it on the cold wintry months ( although it does have some impact) but i see where i go wrong. the lower i feel the worse i eat. the worse i eat the yuckier i feel. the yuckier i feel the more i realize that i can navigate these feelings. so get back on track you say. stop gorging your face just cause its a "snow" weekend. go back the the green juice and wheatgrass and eating healthy and not combining, and THEN see how you feel. I already know my own answers. so this behavior must stop. i try not to read my previous entries, but one day i will go back to them, as i do with all my writing. one day i go back to the old journal loggin and to my surprise i see how much better things are and how far i have come. but right now i think i might be going thru a little something in my head. overall nothing is wrong. everything is great actually when i take a step back and look at my awesome life filled with good people, love, support, fun, ease, peace, happiness, appreciation, did i mention the most amazing kids!- I can go on. however i still have days or moments of blah. yes, i dont help it by going out partying, smoking pot and whatever else i partake in. and yes, i do try my best to be a great mom, but am such a kid at heart. i try to balance and juggle both worlds, without having to choose one. what i would like for myself is to make time to meditate. set my intentions for the day. make time for alone time. continue my exercising; i found thrill in running. would love to keep it up. actually these past few days have just been pure crap eating, no exercise, crap eating! no wonder i feel like ass. chinese pizza burritos cookies meat pasta chocolate cakes fried food! i managed to cram it all in since thrs and today is monday. therefore this STOPS AT ONCE! and i will stop beating myself up about it. here is the experiment: for the next few days stick to the program. and stick to it!!! eat light and simple, no combining, take my green juices, take my vitamins, be happy, feel happy, look happy, and just feel great again, like when the prozac actually did something! the question is WHY am i doing it? why am i self destructing after all my hard work? is there something that i must explore?

another day, yet inspired

Well I said I wouldnt quit, and I had a quick moment to log in. Today I am cleansing (isagenix) and am doing great so far. Went to sons chanukah party at school only took one bite of a latke, oh boy my favorite. and I finally got my thank you notes done for my daughters bday just need to get them out now!! bon voyage thank yous, lets see how long that takes!! c'mon, keep the spirit up, maybe will have them off by the morning!! feeling good today but once again got to bed late. got a few minutes outside in the sun today so that felt nice, but here we go, 3:30 and the suns a settin! making me like the spring and summer more and more these days even though the heat kills me. well, thats about all, lil one is up and today is the mommy day (help arrives tonight) so maybe can even make it to the gym for a run, and catch a glimpse of the cute guy that works there. how lame am I? k, see ya!

One Month Passing

I owe my readers and myself a big apology. It has been one full month since I last updated. I have thought about it, I have really thought about it. But just couldnt bring myself to do it. Not like any writers block or anything, just lost the momentum like I do many things. As I mentioned way back, i wont quit! I was a quitter. And for my own peace of mind and therapy I will continue to write. Some things however, will be left unsaid. I wish I had jotted down notes over this past month...when I felt good and when I felt bad. Cause I have had a few gripes and many praises. As they come back to me I will make a list but for now I will just focus on the following:

holidays sometimes make me a Scrooge- I do enjoy giving gifts but for some reason am not into the whole "holiday" thing. Also, I have been eating poorly and today was a total BAD eating day, (chanukah party) means lotsa latkes. But last night dinner part (and every dessert on the table) thats what a joint of chronic will do! And friday, gorged on chinker food ( good ol' comfort in chinese food) cause I was hung over from Thursday night. Had a old guy friend in town and we went out-not exactly a binger but home by 3:30 and not asleep til 4:30AM. Couldn't even take my kid to school in the morning ( thank goodness for dear friend nearby who offered to take) and lucky for me, hubby was more hung over than I so he took off that day. we weren't even out together. But I did reconnect with some high school friends that I miss hanging out with. And perfect timing no less since my shrink thinks I am going thru an "identity" thing. UGH, can you imagine, as if being a teenager wasn't enough now I gotta experience it as an adult. well its all starting to make sense. But also feeling a little disconnected from hubby (who by the way has had a bit of a stick up his ass) and no sickos, I dont mean literally! Just been a bit edgy and mean, which to me translates as DICKHEAD! Then in my eyes he becomes "annoying" and here I am not wanting to hang out in the same room as him while he watches football, go figure! but the best part was he came up to me a little while ago and I wasnt giving him the time of day and asked why the attitude? Kinda wanted to say "cause your a dickhead" but didnt bother. just sorta ignored him. figured I would stay in my negative addiction moment and hope to snap out of it NOW!! Meanwhile, back to the old friends, it was like we never missed a beat. 15 years have passed and there we were sitting at the bar fucking around with each other (verbally) like we did when we were teens. I miss the days BUT am happy to say I feel so much better mentally and physically and emotionally now. So much more grounded and settled, I wouldnt trade it in!! I want to keep feeling good, and alive! I want to allow my spirit to live and if it means staying out late partying it up with an old friend and doing bad things (not that bad) but ya know, til 3:30 am then fuck it I will!!! AT least I made it to the gym this afternoon for a run and some weights to unload my brain and some chanukah food- fried and sweets! went for a colonic the other day and felt so queasy afterwards - then went into the light sauna for 30 min after and really felt ill afterwards. whats the point of it all huh? tomorrow is a cleanse day and right not to the world I am committing to a good solid isagenix cleanse day! stick to the damn program woman. I seem to be a magnet for isagenix products cause I have managed to keep getting them in various ways with out actually reorodering- yet I just have NOT been sticking to it! had carvel hot fudge sundae tonight cause its sunday- well thats not really the reason but when i am bad I gotta be real bad, and it wasnt even that great. Fuck you tom carvel, and fuck you carvel owners for being right across the street from my house. Release this rage!! ok, time to vibe switch as good ol buddy says... so here we go.. think about how great my life is. I have amazing kids and a terrific hub. I only work if I want to and I always attract clients when I want to work. I have fabulous help, I dont even wake up early in the morning. I live a fun life. I have the mentality of a teenager (for the most part) and I still think its ok to run around at night and party - and I CAN. I have supportive friends and family and VERY helpful family. I have lots of friends and hopefully no enemies (anymore at least!!) I am a leader in my own way, so DONT even try to suck me in as a follower and you know who you are! deeeep breath! I am a yogi. I am spiritual. I am happy! hells, I even heard myself say out loud before going to bed the other night " I LOVE MY LIFE" and dam it anyone would!!!! thank you dear god for loving me and my family so much! good night and amen!! hallelujah. peace be with you - AAAAHHHHH, i feel good!!!

Dialogue at the Dentist

I went in for a dental visit the other day, a scheduled filling for my lower cavity & I was supposed to go back for the upper, since he didnt want to do both at the same time and leave me paralyzed in the face and mouth, thanks doc, much appreciated. I have always had good teeth so the occasional cavity is like so horrible to think about.

"Doc", I say, "I hate hate hate the Novocaine, and the last time it hurt so much. It left me half paralyzed I looked and felt scary, my husband couldnt look at me when I laughed".

"Well...he says, we can try the gas..."

"YES! Do it!"

"Well you will still feel the sensation..."

"TRY it!" I demand.

As he begins to explain how I will feel altered, I interrupt him to tell him i have done recreational drugs so I am ready...

and the nose peace goes on...ahhhh,

"concentrate on your breathhhhhhhh"

"Um, I dont think its working" (waw waw waw waw i begin to hear in my head...for those of you who have done nitrous balloons before:)

"So, how are your kids doing?" he asks

"PAAAH!!!" I start cracking up!

"Well, it must be working... Marylin, maybe we should turn it down..."

"NO, PLEASE!" ( I beg)" this is the highlight of my day, crank it up! It even makes the drill sound funny..."

"Ok, concentrate on your breathing, in thru the nose..."

"Doc, this isnt Lamaze" says the hygienist...

"Right," he mutters, "and here wont dont say the "P" word..."

Time out I signal - "do you mean pussy, or pain?"

LOL LOL - "Oh no, we say pussy here! Just not pain! and where did you get that from?"

Hygienist says- "well we did mention Lamaze!"

"Oh yea..." so he proceeds to drill and fill etc - and I suck in thru my nose as hard as I can to get as much gas as I can while I have it hooked up right to my NOSE! Could life be any better at this moment?

"Ok, am just about done here..."

"WAIT! Doc, can you PLEASE just fill the top one to while I am here-" (I beg)

"well....um.. ok he agrees after looking at my chart and almost not doing it..

(ANYTHING to keep the high going, what a nitrous crackhead!!)

So he prepares me for the top drilling giving me a chance to suck in a lil more gas!

OMG I am in heaven now...

I keep my eyes closed, lay there, and continue to float in nitrous heaven. Hells, I think I am gonna start eating now and laters before bed and not brushing my teeth just to get back in there!!!

Word to the wise, NEVER get Novocaine, but if you must then INSIST on the GAS!! You will LOVE going to the dentist! Trust me! You will LOVE it:)

enough already!

You caught me at a bad moment. I am in one of those moods of just making a complaint list- ya know, getting it off my chest. I will feel much better afterwards and then I can sleep soundly. Sorry, just had to, and hope I can spin it to feel more positive afterwards.

1. went to a great concert on halloween, and a few chicks around me were wearing shoulder bags! How annoying- those things become obstacles for someone who likes to dance. Why wear a shoulder bag to a concert where people squeeze in like sardines to watch a show and want to dance! Damn you ladies, your bags become monsters with claws. And why are they so damn big and strong and just THERE! In my way of dancing like the free bird that I am! So be respectful, use a goddamn wristlet for the night, will ya!

2. my mother, as much as I love this woman, she is completely outta her bird! and when I tell ya, outta her bird, I cant even BEGIN or know where to begin! k-k-krazy. and such a damn good mother and grandmother. Just a bit uh, stunted or "handicapped" as my beefer likes to call it. Woman, I sometimes wonder how I am a product of you. But am grateful I have found ways to see the positive light. Your mind works in a very negative mysterious way, and I now promise to see you with compassion. I feel sorry for the way your mind thinks.

3. Gyms with crappy cardio machines, uch! Get the new up to date models and then call yourself a gym (especially lucille roberts!)

4. when my kid looses his shit and I have to deal, now thats fucking annoying. But I live for those munchkins so I deal with it and it passes. I dont remember life before them!

5. Isagenix- HA, I finally found another person who did not shit well while taking the product. She even went to a naturalist who did some muscle testing on her and she found out it was like poison for her cause the product was doing its job, breaking down fat, however her body was keeping it in! The fat was being encapsulated and remaining in her system as she was unable to flush it. Similar to my experience. Although I now am passing it along thanks to overindulgence of broccoli cabbage and other roughage foods

6. being unable to wake up early sucks. Maybe I could start setting an alarm clock, but also go to bed earlier and get into a habit of going to bed earlier.

7. trying to stick to a healthy eating routine - is hard sometimes! I wouldnt say it sucks cause I do feel better eating well but i sometimes binge or want to eat in a way I know I shouldnt. I give in at times. But now I go to the gym. My body is changing. I am grateful for that. I just need more discipline.

8. I am trying to find a path to take. but I go in and out of this pattern of trying to be focused and then totally losing focus. I cant even tell you what I did yesterday. where does my time go? what am I doing? I think I should stay on the prozac. I would love to find out what it is I was put on this earth to do, other than be a mom, wife, daughter, friend and lazy ass complainer.

9. people that are so affected and jappy - wtf, why do you talk the way you do. And gay guys that talk with more of a twang then japs do. UCH! and some of these jappy girls that have no sense of reality. I guess I can sorta understand the whole no sense of reality thing. I live in a small world, a bubble. Taking my kid to school is what gets me up in the morning. Going to the supermarket is my big "errand" and planning my vacations are my priority. I dont read the paper, barely watch the news- I am no better than they are!

10. being down on myself today doesnt mean i will feel this way tomorrow, so dont worry about me, I will be a new person when I wake up! deep breath! you would think yoga would have made me feel more positive.

11. credit card late fees- for the assholes like myself who forget to pay! and I always pay in full.

And I sign off with a non complaint- an attitude of gratitude to my dear friend who helps me in so many ways..who talks me into a better place when I am feeling down. who puts me in my place when I am wrong. who shows me and teaches me to see things from a different point of view, see people with compassion. Thank you for being my friend and teacher. I loved the meditation we did by the water today. Wish we could have sat there all day just hanging out, talking shop. I am proud of you and I am proud of me. We have come a long way!

Alvin Simon Theodore

Ok, so I made the decision to get injections in my face. I got botox around my eyes and inbetween my brows and Perlane (similar to restylane) around my smile lines, aka nasal labials. But here is the problem I encountered. 1. I look like a fucking chipmunk when I laugh and its freaking me and my husband out! (big time!) 2. I have had an awfully bad looking black eye for the past week- and its scary. No matter how much concealer I put on it I can still see the blackness thru. People are asking me - what happened? what did you do to yourself? was it the kids or your husband your fighting with? Well folks, the answer is VANITY! Botox! Who knew it could be so disturbing? I have the black and blueness under my eye similar to the one I had in high school when I got my nose job- but at least there they broke my damn nose! This time they just broke my capillary. And to think, people go thru this all the time... but whats really freaking me out is the chipmunk face! Now for those of you that dont know me, I am attractive. Hells, many guys have told me I am HOT! But now when I laugh and smile I ain't looking so hot. I actually scared myself the other night! No make up on, black as night under eye, beady brown eyes looking back at me in the mirror, and I was laughing so hard at how scary I looked that my face was partially paralyzed from the botox and there it was- CHIPMUNK! My husband got scared and so did I, but couldn't stop laughing at how scary I am! Oh man, I hope this wears down a little! And now I don't really have crows feet, but I got some wrinkles under my eyes like bags when I smile. Now here is the problem- I laugh alot! ALOT! I smile, I laugh and I am silly! But now I must try to be serious- it will never happen! Ok, so as I sit here at my desk bouncing on my fitness ball I will leave you with the thought of the chipmunks - think high pitched helium voice...Alvin, Simon, Theeeeeadore!! Thats not me but thats what it looks like!

Ashamed!

I should be ashamed of myself for allowing so much time to lapse in between posts. Not like I am expecting you to hang onto my last words and check in on me to see what I am up to next...But I am not surprised with myself at all, just a little disappointed. I tend to start things and never finish...this has been a pattern thru out my life. Projects, ideas, paintings, photo albums, things I wanted to sell, etc. the list goes on, yet the projects were never completed. Well this blog shall continue!! I recently took some advice from friends. One friend told me to "channel my energy" and by that she was referring to my "devious" side which I am constantly trying to squish. So now, I am channeling, and writing instead of behaving self destructively. She also suggested I try NOT to squash that devious side of me... so I began to run! And I haven't run in a few days and I begin to feel like crap- so tomorrow I plan to RUN! I am going to run! Run off the crap I have been eating lately. Run until I feel good...and run until I stop thinking about food, or the bad foods I eat when I am BAD!! Coco pebbles should be banned from this earth. Another friend told me I curse a little to much in my writing... so I took her fucking advice and am trying to fucking tone it down a bit! Thanks, beatch, I love you! Another friend didn't exactly give me advice, but after seeing her in the looney bin it really got me thinking! And I'll be damned if I ever let my thinking take over me! So I plan to write even more, and keep a clear head. I hope she begins to function on a better level and get her head in check. I miss her:( I think after seeing her I refocused my mind and energy in other places, and slipped away from this blog... although I am still thinking "blog" - as if I am talking to reader when I think to myself. On a train ride I randomly started thinking about WHY? so many WHY thoughts began to flood my head, and this is what I found myself jotting down:

WHY DO I ask myself why so often?

WHY do I think of these random things?

Why do I get amused by watching a dog take a shit?

Why do I walk in the gutter when the city streets are crowded?

Why do I continue to look at something I find disturbing like an old mans ass when I walk behind him or the bulging varicose veins on a fat ladies calves?

Why do I subject myself to painful things like laser hair removal, facial filler injections, and so forth just to look good?

Why do I self mutilate and bite the skin on on my fingers and cuticles til I bleed and its raw?

Why do I binge eat, and not even bother to puke?

Why do I feel so bad when I binge eat but do it again and again?

Why do I drink til I am wasted?

Why do I curse at drivers on the road?

Why do I hate Tom Cruise so much?

Why do I think I know someone is gay by the way they look or walk?

Why do I find it so hard to motivate in the morning?

Why do I obsess over little things that are not important?

Why do I rarely cut my hair?

Why do I fart from eating sushi?

Why do I think toenails are stupid and have no purpose and believe everyone should have them removed!

Why do I love a challenge but get so easily frustrated?

Why do I still think its ok to charge things to my parents?

Why do I feel like a kid in a pseudo - adult life?

Why do I think racial thoughts?

Why do I hate the accent of a french girl?

Why do I pour salt on slugs to watch them dissolve?

Why do I love popping zits, especially someone else's?

Why do I live for my husband! (Thats a good thing though)

Why do I feel like I have so much more evolving to do but dont know where and how to begin.

Why do I still fight with my brother and snap at my family so easily?

Why do I sometimes run off and act like I have to responsibilities at home?

Why do I drink so much water?

Why do I take pictures of my shits that impress me?

Why do I think I have ADD when its probably just laziness?

Why do I diet and exercise and then spend months eating like crap!

Why do I think I am old, yet feel so young?

Why do I think its totally ok to bite the nails and toenails of my children!

Why do I like altering my mind, yet ask for clarity!

WHY is a crooked letter!

Entry 21- The Morning After!

Again, went to bed at 2:ooam after a night of partying with friends... and two nights back to back no less! Good times, but it cant be good for my body! Especially not for my face and the crows feet and nasal labia's - yea, did you know those lovely "smile" lines are more labia's ladies! Sexy huh? Anyways, more importantly, I gotta go visit a very close friend in the psych ward tomorrow. Not excited, yet sorta interested to see what goes on there. Yea, this is her 2nd time being admitted (voluntarily) but still, it's gotta suck. Her life is such a mess, and her support team has fallen apart. Her own mother called the cops on her to get her out of her house and into the psych ward. So she claims, she is living there cause she has no where else to live. Anyhoots, today is a minor hangover day- I had to switch to water half way in after 3 drinks cause I was the designated. We arrived safely. However today is a carb loading day. Donut, Waffles, frosted flakes, coco pebbles (or the cheap fake brand I picked up somewhere with some ghetto name like coco rocks or something) oatmeal, ramen soup - not even ramen, I got the 22cent ones at the market. A friggin meal for 22cents. Why arent we dropping crates of that shit over Africa and other starving areas. Even though its loaded in MSG and other shit, it tastes great and hits the spot. I might just shrivel up from salt overload...off on a tangent. Well, I will confess, I spilled the beans to 2 friends last night about this blog, so if you are reading and you know who you are, you better not tell anyone about this! But do please follow me anonymously:) Lastly I will leave you on this boring entry with the thought of a cleanse day for me tomorrow, oh the agony of another ISAGENIX cleanse day! But how awesome that I got a whole 9 day supply for free from a friend that never opened it! That's $130 savings before the shipping alone. And I hope I will have another good embarrassing old story for you- I just need to conjure something up in the old mind o mine! Peace, shout out to the sad friend in the looney bin!!! Love you!

Entry 20-The Gatorade Experiment

I was burning the midnight oil last night til 1:30 am reading up on DIY kitchen renovations on the cheap and here I am up earlier then I want to be. I refrained from getting on the scale this morning, although I am maintaining an 9 to 10 lb weight loss I Have not broken the 10lb mark (just once, yippee) However, I downed some skirt steak that I marinated for a day and broiled last night- AWESOME. Will include recipe. Took like five minutes and the crew loved it, even the baby! But I also ate chocolate cake that I found in the freezer and nuked. I dont even know WHEN it was from, maybe June? Also I went straight to coffee today and am rushing to get #1 to school and #2 to mommy & me class! I approached my hubby with an idea. The Gatorade Experiment. The idea is to get him off that shit completely. Its like some weird addiction guys develop. The second ingredient is High Fructose Corn Syrup. Its in everything these days. Hard to find stuff without it! Especially when you try to food shop on a budget. Anyhow, the plan: Finish up all the Gatorade and vitamin water stocked in the home, and then for one month do not purchase it, do not drink it, dont even look at it or think about it (think AA for boozers, but GA for him, and not "gamblers") I guaranteed him he will lose weight just from stopping that drink and not changing anything else in his lifestyle. Lets see how that goes. if any of you are willing to take the challenge with us lets do it. You can quit soda if thats your thing, or diet soda, that stuff is terrible for you! The artificial sweetener alone leaves your body craving more sweets! I will let you know when the Gatorade Experiment begins.

And for the awesome skirt steak:

marinate over night or for a few hours with a mixture of...orange juice, ketchup, garlic (dried is great too) saucy susan, worcestershire sauce, terriyaki sauce and BBQ sauce, splash of red wine if you have on hand. I think that was all, and a lil salt n peppa. It was raining so I broiled instead of grilled. Maybe 3-4 minutes each side (then take out if it looks good) loosely cover with tin foil and let rest! Enjoy. (tip: I had my broiler rack 3 below flame and last 2 min put right under flame to crisp it a little!)

Entry 19 Man Jungle, Edward Scissorhands please!

Why do I have such an issue with man jungle? Not sure what man jungle is, well use your imagination...or better yet allow me to help you. Its that over grown hairiness down there. Yes, its covers some major territory... the balls, around the balls, maybe it spreads to the base or even shaft, and you betcha, it's on the bikini line (if they have one) and even the thighs. Now I know all about this far to well. Hair! Yet I spend time on money and have been for years on waxing, electrolysis and now Laser hair removal. Let me tell you, that all hurts like a bitch!! Yes, my life would be easier, less painful, and cheaper if I just went wild and went for woman jungle. But as you earthy hippies know first hand that shit is nasty! Sorry to all you jungle women out there. Ok, the most I will do is not shave my legs for a while, for a few reasons:

1. I am lazy

2.Sometimes I just don't care

3. My hair is soft and smooth, not rough and stubbly

4. My shower runs out of hot water if I wait to long.

5. Can't think of the 5th reason, just thought 5 is better than 4

So this brings me back to man jungle. Why do they think its ok? Why are they lazy? How do they expect to get their balls liked if its covered with hair? I'll tell you what, I don't like hair in my mouth do you? So back when I actually had any hair down there (can't remember when that was) I guess end of high school and beginning of college) that must have been equally unpleasant for him. But now I just expect baldness! The gay guys know whats up! They know about the smooth clean waxed or shaven ball dick and ass region. So gay boys, spread the light to your fellow men friends ( and enemies) There should be a ban on pubic hair in this country! Look, I have seen my fair share of smooth and hairless, and I gotta tell you, its NICE! But I think those are the guys that fuck alot, and have multiple partners. That would make sense. Just like we get our hair styled (not the hair down there silly) and our nails done and we wear makeup. They go to the gym, pump it up, and get their chest and balls naired or waxed! So for all you fellas out there sportin the jungle: Time to invest some time and money and get that shit pruned. Prune the hedges fuckers! Maybe we have to call in Edward Scissorhands to get to work on some of you. If you are too scared, pick up a bottle of nair, and nair that shit, will ya!! Maybe you will even get a little more BJ's, did ya ever think of that!?