Ashamed!

I should be ashamed of myself for allowing so much time to lapse in between posts. Not like I am expecting you to hang onto my last words and check in on me to see what I am up to next...But I am not surprised with myself at all, just a little disappointed. I tend to start things and never finish...this has been a pattern thru out my life. Projects, ideas, paintings, photo albums, things I wanted to sell, etc. the list goes on, yet the projects were never completed. Well this blog shall continue!! I recently took some advice from friends. One friend told me to "channel my energy" and by that she was referring to my "devious" side which I am constantly trying to squish. So now, I am channeling, and writing instead of behaving self destructively. She also suggested I try NOT to squash that devious side of me... so I began to run! And I haven't run in a few days and I begin to feel like crap- so tomorrow I plan to RUN! I am going to run! Run off the crap I have been eating lately. Run until I feel good...and run until I stop thinking about food, or the bad foods I eat when I am BAD!! Coco pebbles should be banned from this earth. Another friend told me I curse a little to much in my writing... so I took her fucking advice and am trying to fucking tone it down a bit! Thanks, beatch, I love you! Another friend didn't exactly give me advice, but after seeing her in the looney bin it really got me thinking! And I'll be damned if I ever let my thinking take over me! So I plan to write even more, and keep a clear head. I hope she begins to function on a better level and get her head in check. I miss her:( I think after seeing her I refocused my mind and energy in other places, and slipped away from this blog... although I am still thinking "blog" - as if I am talking to reader when I think to myself. On a train ride I randomly started thinking about WHY? so many WHY thoughts began to flood my head, and this is what I found myself jotting down:

WHY DO I ask myself why so often?

WHY do I think of these random things?

Why do I get amused by watching a dog take a shit?

Why do I walk in the gutter when the city streets are crowded?

Why do I continue to look at something I find disturbing like an old mans ass when I walk behind him or the bulging varicose veins on a fat ladies calves?

Why do I subject myself to painful things like laser hair removal, facial filler injections, and so forth just to look good?

Why do I self mutilate and bite the skin on on my fingers and cuticles til I bleed and its raw?

Why do I binge eat, and not even bother to puke?

Why do I feel so bad when I binge eat but do it again and again?

Why do I drink til I am wasted?

Why do I curse at drivers on the road?

Why do I hate Tom Cruise so much?

Why do I think I know someone is gay by the way they look or walk?

Why do I find it so hard to motivate in the morning?

Why do I obsess over little things that are not important?

Why do I rarely cut my hair?

Why do I fart from eating sushi?

Why do I think toenails are stupid and have no purpose and believe everyone should have them removed!

Why do I love a challenge but get so easily frustrated?

Why do I still think its ok to charge things to my parents?

Why do I feel like a kid in a pseudo - adult life?

Why do I think racial thoughts?

Why do I hate the accent of a french girl?

Why do I pour salt on slugs to watch them dissolve?

Why do I love popping zits, especially someone else's?

Why do I live for my husband! (Thats a good thing though)

Why do I feel like I have so much more evolving to do but dont know where and how to begin.

Why do I still fight with my brother and snap at my family so easily?

Why do I sometimes run off and act like I have to responsibilities at home?

Why do I drink so much water?

Why do I take pictures of my shits that impress me?

Why do I think I have ADD when its probably just laziness?

Why do I diet and exercise and then spend months eating like crap!

Why do I think I am old, yet feel so young?

Why do I think its totally ok to bite the nails and toenails of my children!

Why do I like altering my mind, yet ask for clarity!

WHY is a crooked letter!