entry 14 - Downward Spiral

OMG! Have you ever felt like you were just spiraling downwards and you can't stop yourself? That is me tonight. Not earlier today, but tonight. I am just HUNGRY! Maybe its my brain that's starving for something more or its in my head that I am hungry. I did a partial cleanse day today and it went pretty well. I did start off wrong- a hot mocha swirl (skim) latte from dunkin' oh how worth it! Then a fresh greens juice from the health food store. I was in such a hurry I even called it in from the car for pick up- yea that's my style, I don't like to wait and waste time. Later on a fast workout at the gym and then an apple. Water water water all day til I drown. Twice I drank the cleanse drink and I added extra aloe vera juice to it. Later in the day got hungry- had a large ass gumball from a 25cent machine. Then back to the juice bar for some greens. Not sounding so bad so far. But when night rolls around I get wild (& crazy). Dinner was a healthy raw option- except for the boiled beets. Baby spinach, romaine and endive salad, raw goat cheese and a drizzle of flax oil with the juice of half a lemon. This is when it gets bad: I made the mistake of tasting RAW corn on the cob, and I went nuts. I became a wild woman. I don't think I ever took a bite into a raw ear of corn, from a farm stand no less. The sugar was pouring onto my taste buds. It was like sucking the sugar juice out of a sugar can stick ( another favorite of mine). So I ate half an ear, no harm right? About an hour plus after dinner I made another mistake of going back to the kitchen for a lil snacky snack! I went straight back to the other half of raw corn, sucked it like I haven't eaten in days. Back to the block of goat cheese. Few small pieces of cantaloupe and some raw almonds. Back to the damn block of cheese. And then- I tried to resist it but I just could not! The homemade (from an awesome restaurant) sesame covered bread stick. I had brought it back for my daughter to use a a teether (she's in agony poor lil one). Its been in a ziplock on the counter for days. Tonight it was in the pantry. The crispy well done roasted sesame seeds were calling out to me. "Come, eat me! and eat me NOW bitch!" How could I turn my back on it! I whipped it out of that little zippie and took a bite into crisp, crunchy light as air to good tasting to be true breadstick. A fucking breadstick! Have you ever heard someone so wet over a breadstick? I must have issues. One bite was not enough. I devoured it at once! I did savor the taste on my tongue and lips, but mostly on my brain. I am ready to call in an order of only breadsticks and go get them tomorrow. Please inner spirit, keep me in check! Get me out of this downward spiral and allow me to feel at peace!